What you missed on Twitter

I know corlimey says I should get affiliate marketing paymints, or be soundly beaten, for mentioning Twitter so much. It is fun that’s all. Here is some of the golden 140-character aphorisms, bons mots, quips and sallies that you missed by not following @keithlard:

  • The good thing about Dickens is that the names tell you all you need to know: eg hero = Cheery Lightheart, villain = Sir Dryasdust Grindface”
  • Drug boat haul enough for one spliff per person in UK” Alright! Looking forward to receiving mine http://twurl.nl/maxbhr
  • Memo to self: use the phrase “punk-ass bitches” in conversation.”
  • It is rather embarrassing to have to ask for no spoilers to ‘Oliver Twist’. It has been out for 170 years.”
  • If you are lost in a maze of twisty council estates, remember satellite dishes always point south. Fact!”
  • I quite fancy seeing a 3D movie like in that interview with James Cameron. Or any movie. If I can eat my own weight in popcorn I’m happy.”
  • Opera Mini. Now browsing the Web on my phone is less like painful, unnecessary dental surgery. http://www.operamini.com/
  • Aldi is like a parallel universe, full of brands you’ve never heard of. What year is this? Who’s the president??”
  • Twitter: for once I’m the first among my friends to jump on a bandwagon. I get to ride up front and pretend to be the driver! ”
  • Man do not be behind me in line when i am chatting up pretty checkout girl. I can pretend to forget my pin for hours.”
  • Spicy salami, Provolone cheese and pesto basilico on focaccia, and a coffee. It’s not a bad old life if you don’t weaken.”
  • The plan: ironing, yoga, accounts. The reality: beer, crisps, TV. My imaginary life is doing great!”
  • Secret shames: Monster Munch. Avril Lavigne. The Body Shop. Ladette to Lady. Looking at pens.”
  • The surly bookshop assistant’s aura is projecting: not another fucker that wants to buy books.”
  • ”’…at breakfast, yoghurt - a glamorous substance he knew only from a James Bond novel.’ reading Ian McEwan’s ‘On Chesil Beach’.”
  • Twanking, n. Coining annoying Twitter neologisms, eg ‘tweetup’, ‘dweeting’, ‘twittable’, ‘twitterverse’, ‘twitterrhea’.”
  • Buying herbs, cheating on my girlfriend waitrose with that cheap slut morrisons!”
  • the assassination of a bacon sandwidge by the coward keithlard”
  • No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency. Man that was awesome. Normally I do not like things that are heartwarming. I just left my comfort zone! :D”
  • is flying helicopters while eating crisps! Do not do this yourself.”

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