keithlard's one-step weight loss programme

Here is my famous one-step weight loss programme that I have invented. It is this:

  1. Do a lot of bikling.

It is not working at the moment as unfortunately I am addicted to BEER. It would be all right if the only beer you could get is fizzy dishwater like Carlsberg or Fosters, but now that I know delicious posh beer such as Leffe, Duvel, Erdinger, Bitburger, Etalon and Orval exists, I cannot stop drinking it.

And as you know BEER is a gateway drug to such as CURRY, which is fattening and bad for you (at least the nice ones are). Also SNACKS eg popcorn, pistachio nuts ekcetera. So basically I am not losing any weight at all even though I am cycling over 100,000 miles a day.

It does not matter though if you are having fun. I chatted to the sweet girl that works on the checkout in Tescos, she seems really intellergent and nice eg the type of person that you could talk to about stars and birds and PHYSICKS, I never know about that type of thing though in case people are not intrested. Most people are not.

I think if you do not read any papers or know about any pop groups, like me, there is a lot of left over space in your head for thinking about Go and LISP and phillersophy and genes and the Moon and children’s sweets from the 1970s and such. Unfortunately it has also used up the space reserved for making small talk with pretty girls which is why I usually find myself either uncharacteristically silent or suddenly blurting out something like ‘Imagine if we were like snakes and you could dislocate your jaw and swallow a whole chicken at once! That would be mental!’

It is usually at this point that I’m asked to leave the store by security.

Quite a few glasses of quite a few drinks

I went round to see my old friend Donald in Barnet, and he cooked a traditional Scotto-Chinese dinner of haggis, neeps, and stir-fried vegertables, which was delicious! Then we had a game of Go (I lost), and I played his 11-year-old son at Chess (I won - though I did feel a bit like the Competitive Dad from the Fast Show, punching the air and shouting ‘Yes!!’) We had some tasty Belgian beers and talked about Lisp and psychedelic music ekcetera.

So it was a great evening, the only weird thing was I cycled up there against a fierce headwind, by the time I came back the wind had backed 180 degrees (or pi radians if you are a computer) and was blowing the other way! All of which had the disconcerting and topographically unlikely effect of being uphill all the way there, and all the way back.

I am starting to develop some legs though, all cyclists know this feeling that you start to actually enjoy taking on a hill, and instead of going all hot and wobbly and having a little rest halfway up, you power all the way up and then instead of freewheeling down the other side, you just change up a couple of gears!

I pedalled home on Friday night after quite a few glasses of quite a few drinks at the Pineapple, with the cheerful invincibility that only comes from advanced intoxication. It is a long pull up Archway Road to Highgate station, but I do not think I paused for breath and it was only when I got off at Tescos in Finchley that I realised my lungs were burning and little lights were flashing in front of my eyes.

So my secret strategy if I ever go in for the Tour de France or something like that is to just get enormously drunk beforehand. King of the Mountains! I do not know why no one else has thought of that.

Chicken man

I just watched an entertaining episode of Grange Hill there. What will that shrieking ginger tycoon Pogo Patterson get up to next? But it reminded me of the brilliant fact that the original Grange Hill theme tune is called Chicken Man. Every British person of a certain age knows that music and most of them do not know that. It sounds a bit like a guitar made out of a squawking chicken and it is by ace library music composer Alan Hawkshaw, who lives in a semi-detached house and wrote the diddly-doo music for Countdown and the importint-news! music for Channel 4 News.

I ate a delicious chicken based pizza too!