Keithlard, or Virtue Rewarded

I am reading Samuel Richardson’s Pamela, or Virtue Rewarded. It is wizzo. In my expert judgment it is nearly as good as Jane Eyre, except it is not.

Your friend and diarist is rarther tired, having spent all day working on the booth at a trade show. I could not sleep last night as I knew I had to get up early, so lay fretting and flumping from side to side trying to find a comfy bit of pillow, but they had all turned hard and unyielding. So I was a bit worn out when I arrived at the show at 9am, and after ten hours of smiling and welcoming search engine marketers, demoing the product, keeping a watchful eye on our rivals’ stands, handing out complimentary T-shirts, answering really hard technical questions, and being interviewed and filmed for the Telly, I was ready to curl up and go to sleep in the nearest corner.

I did not though, as there was a really cute girl on the stand next door, who I had been trying to muster the courage to go and talk to all day, and cursing my stupid shyness. I am no good at marching up to cute girls and saying “Hi! I am Keith! What is your name? I am friendly and unthreatening!”, otherwise I would probably be married about fifty times over by now. Finally she came to our stand and said hullo, and I leaped into action, as I am fine if someone else breaks the ice. In fact I can be a one-man charm offensive when I get going, as some of you will be able to testify :D

Anyway luckily she was really nice as well as super pretty, and amazingly enough I got up the nerve to go and chat to her in the pub after the show, even though she was with all her workmates who I do not know. I dare say this all seems rarther ridiculous if you are blessed with the ability to mingle, but I am not. Once I worked in the same office with a girl that I fancied for about nine months before being bold enough to contrive to bump into her at the printer. I probably had a brilliant conversational gambit worked out, but due to bad co-ordination of mouth and lips it came out as ‘shmrrpl msmphh smnt?’. Needless to say that did not lead anywhere, as she probably thought I had some kind of disease.

So over the years I must have got better at this stuff somehow, as I do not seem to dissolve into silent embarrassmint any more when talking to cute girls, even if I am a bit sticky getting going at first. Probably by the time I am 76 I will have mastered the art of saying hello. Anyway today just goes to show that you do not get anywhere being quiet, and sometimes a little bit of nerve can get you a long way.

I am tired though and must nestle into my tiny bed, goodnight :>

PS I have walked 32 miles in four days (most of it round the Business Design Centre in Islington :D)

I may have met a super hot girl

I may have met a super hot girl through the Internets!

I do not know how she got my email address, but probably through a friend or something. Anyway she emailed me today to say:

Hi, My name is Vicky McGreham, I’m just a college girl who just arrived in UK and looking for a sex partner. All what I need is a good man, you must be serious and honest, let me know if you wish to meet.

You may see my pics at my web page:


Kisses Vicky

Well, no one would make something like that up, so I confidently headed over to the web page, where I found the following message:


My name is Victoria. I’m 22 yers old. I like different people, like sport, dancing. I find new sexual sensations.

Write me:

Although I am a few yers older than Victoria and do not really like sport and dancing, or different people, I do find new sexual sensations. Well with so much in common it seems obvious that I should pursue this opportunity further; I clicked on the link to download her photo album from the web site.

It is an EXE file which is a bit strange, but perhaps it is a self-extracting archive. It is only 9.3K in size, which is fantastic! Obviously Victoria is not only a sizzling nude model but a skilled computer scientist, and has invented a revolutionary new compression algorithm.

As I do not have a Windows machine to run it on, I will have to pass up the delights of looking at her photos, but some analysis of the EXE file indicates that it appears to work by attaching part of itself to the MFC42.DLL file. I still do not see how that helps me see naked pictures, but I dare say it will all make sense once we meet up and become lovers.

I have emailed her accordingly, to say this:

Dear Victoria (may I call you Vicky? I feel I know you already)

I was very excited by your email; I think I may be just what you are looking for, as I am serious and honest, and I also like sex with 22-year old college girls! What are the odds!?

I am having a little trouble viewing your photos, as I have a Linux computer. May I ask if you have any plans to make your pictures available for Linux users, as you will perhaps be surprised to learn that free software has a large and rapidly growing user base, especially among sex-starved men who like the Internet.

I enclose my address and contact information, as well as my bank details if you should need them. I look forward to hearing from you to arrange our first meeting. I do not know whether you would like to have sex immediately, or if we will have time for a coffee first. Anyway, let me know your plans.

Yours expectantly, K

Pond news

I spent much of the weekend roaming the little flat like a caged jagular, hoping the rain would cease. Eventually it did and I wandered down to the pond to check up on the inhabitants.

I did not see the cootlets, but Mr & Mrs Canada Geese have had five super little goslings! They are all fluffy and yellow with little crew-cuts like Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead. It was quite funny as their Mum was teaching them to swim by cruising purposefully from one side of the pond to the other, then it was time for dabbling lessons and ‘investigating mysterious strangers for food’ 101. I did not have any unfortunately but I did gaze enraptured at the goslings.

I saw Henrietta the duck, but she did not have any ducklings. I am a bit worried that she seems to have lost her mate, as I have not seen Henry in quite a while. It must be awful lonely if you are a solo duck while everyone else is busy nesting and fledging. I have not seen any other farm ducks on the river otherwise I might introduce them to Henrietta. I cannot resist a bit of matchmaking.

Anyway I was strolling happily through the woods enjoying the heady perfume of spring flowers and the clean smell of rain, and trying to think of a poetic simile for what it smells like, but I could only think of Comfort fabric conditioner.

A Bird came down the Walk

A Bird came down the Walk—
He did not know I saw—
He bit an angle-worm in halves
And ate the fellow, raw,

And then he drank a Dew
From a convenient Grass,
And then hopped sidewise to the Wall
To let a Beetle pass—

He glanced with rapid eyes
That hurried all abroad—
They looked like frightened Beads, I thought—
He stirred his velvet head

Like one in danger, Cautious,
I offered him a Crumb,
And he unrolled his feathers
And rowed him softer home—

Than Oars divide the Ocean,
Too silver for a seam—
Or Butterflies, off Banks of Noon,
Leap, plashless as they swim.

—Emily Dickinson

It is a wizzo spring

The weather has been super nice the last couple of days and I have been wandering around sniffing flowers and saing hullo birds hullo sky ekcetera. I have been called adorable, and given a bun. Jen recommended a funny comic strip. I saw a chaffinch on the way to the Tube station (that is me not the chaffinch, they rarely use the Underground as they are rarther well off and travel everywhere by taxi).

When I got home I had delicious home made bacon & egg mayonnaise sandwidges, and a refreshing BEER. It does not get any better than that really.