Imagine the chair is your mother

This is an intresting thing which my friend Lynda did. Where you post 10 things you would like to say to 10 different people, except you do not say who they are. It should be 20 people normally, I have not done that as I only know 10 people. Now I can sit back and enjoy people’s puzzlemint as they do not know whether it is meant for them or not.

  1. I am awfully glad to have you as a friend, as I can never have half as intresting conversations with anyone else! You are always there for me when I’m feeling low, and hopefully vice versa. And you are one of the most intellergent people I know, even if you do not give yourself credit. You are much more of an influence on me than I think you realise.
  2. I really admire and respect you and think you are a better and wiser person in many ways than I will ever be, as much as I try to be like you. I wish I could spend a lot more time with you than I do, and I feel bad about it. But you are the only person in the world that I can say whatever’s on my mind to, and know you’ll understand.
  3. I was cross and upset that you cut me off so abruptly and just as I was really growing to be rather keen on you. I think perhaps it would not have worked out but it would have been nice to try. Since that time though I’ve done some thinking which has maybe helped me understand what was going on with you, and I don’t feel angry with you anymore, just sad that we’re not in touch. Of many near-misses you are the one I still think about.
  4. You are very dear to me and I wish circumstances allowed us to spend more time together! Still I draw great comfort from the fact that however miserable or rubbish I’ve been I can always go and talk to you and you will not judge me or tell me off. You are one of those lovely people who makes me feel a nicer person.
  5. I felt like the luckiest man alive when I was with you. I wish I hadn’t been so insecure and said and done mean things to you because of it. I think I felt like I’d won the lottery and I was scared that at any minute someone was going to say there’d been a mistake and I had to give it all back. Life after you will always seem a little sadder and a little smaller, and I can’t help thinking that if I’d just been slightly a completely different and much better person, you’d still be here. It grieves me that you don’t want to be friends. You still mean an awful lot to me.
  6. It seems silly but I’m incredibly grateful to you. You’ve changed my life and made it enormously happier and more fulfilled, and the funny thing is I don’t think you fully appreciate what a difference you’ve made. I’ve gone from feeling like nobody to feeling like somebody. Even if I sometimes I get frustrated or impatient with you, I think you’re an amazing bloke and I owe you one. Big time!
  7. It is odd as I’ve known you a good while and always regarded you as a top-notch person, but lately for some reason I find myself thinking of you more and more, and grinning. It’s never long enough that I spend with you. I sort of feel like I want to see a lot more of you, not in a rude way. Well OK yes in a rude way. But with proper romance and everything eg to be my girlfriend. I don’t know if you want that though. It would be lovely if you did.
  8. Gosh this is long. I’m glad I did not do 20. You are really important to me even though I know I do not show it much, or see you enough, I can’t imagine life without you. I’ve always felt you and I can talk about anything, even stuff which normally you would think was not appropriate. I don’t think either of us is comfortable expressing massive affection, but it is there and I know you know how I feel, and vice versa. We don’t need to say too much.
  9. Eerily I felt close to you from the moment I first spoke to you, like maybe we were brother and sister in a former life or something. Or even in this life if my parents have done a fantastic cover-up job. Even though we’ve only met a few times, it just feels comfortable and brilliant being with you. It is not even like with ordinary friends that if you don’t meet or speak for a long time, you think they might have forgotten you and lost intrest, no chance of that with you. I know we’ll always be close in spirit even if not in geography.
  10. I feel guilty that I wasn’t there for you when you needed someone, and it is one of those things where the longer you leave it, the more of a worm you feel and the less likely you are to pick up the phone. I’m not sure why. Perhaps we just needed a break from each other, but I do love and esteem you very much, and I’d like to make amends for neglecting you!
  11. I still can’t believe that you’re not around any more. I liked you a lot but always felt a bit shy with you. Now I wish I’d talked to you more when I had the chance. You encouraged me in something and I am going to do it, too. I feel very sad that I’ll never get to know you now. I miss you.

OK I misunderestimated the number of people I know. I am worn out now, but in a good way. Also that has saved me $$$$ on therapy!

keithlard pubalised after fishing 'excitemint'

North London diarist and curry gourmet keithlard (29) was rushed to a Finchley pub this evening suffering from ‘excitemint’ after a day out fishing with close friend Jane (26). Witnesses at the scene said that the two friends had been spotted at a Friern Barnet tackle shop earlier purchasing floats, line, ‘hooks’ and other angling-related paraphernalia, in full view of passing schoolchildren. The fish-crazed pair later drove to Aldenham Country Park, a well-known spot frequented by local rod users, where they were seen deep in conversation with a so-called ‘bailiff’.

We spoke to the man, known only as ‘Ken the bailiff’, who claimed “Well they had entirely the wrong equipmint, their wagglers were not the right size, they had no banksticks, one rod was not any good and the other one had a broken bit where the reel is supposed to fix on to it. Also their level of basic fishing ignorance was appalling, as they did not even have any skid bungs, and their quivertips were in a terrible state. I told them all about my 50 years fishing experience and showed them my photos of me catching a massive catfish in Spain last year. Stan didn’t ‘ave nuffink. Hardest game in the world, fishing!” At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.

Lard and his companion were later spotted returning to the tackle shop to buy more ‘rods’. Area woman Noreen Spaniel walking by the Dollis Brook in Finchley told us “I saw them hanging about suspiciously by the pond, with their rods out where anyone could see them. One of them, a tall wild-haired fellow, was taunting the other one with a maggot, while his companion, a nice blonde lady, looked really scared and said she was ‘not touching that’ as it was wriggling about. Local people were shocked and horrified to hear of keithlard’s activities and Mrs Delphinia Oldbatt, 107, said “Why doesn’t the Governmint do something,” adding, “Won’t somebody think of the children?”

No fish were harmed as the only thing keithlard caught was a stick, but the controversial celebrity was later rushed to a local pub where he proceeded to tell fishing stories, while drinking Weissbier and trying to impress girls by knowing about fishing.

No girls were impressed.

Does anyone know about fishing

Me and Jane are quite intrested in going fishing, I do not know too much about it but it is a good excuse for spending the day on an idyllic river bank and having a big pickernick.

Anyway it seems quite complicated as there are rods, reels, tackle, line, bobbers, sinkers, split shot, drags, gaffs, flies, spinning, banksticks, baitrunners, boilies, wagglers, skid bungs, and quivertips to know about, it might be easier just to go to the chip shop if you want a fish supper, still I like hobbies and it is always fun to learn a new hobby.

The only thing that I do not quite like is the cruelty aspect, it is all very well saying fish do not mind, but you try having a massive hook through your face. Still I cannot object to it on the grounds of not wanting to kill things. Being a meat eater I am killing things all the time, it does not make any difference that I’m using Waitrose as a paid assassin.

I feel obscurely that if someone was to come in to my flat, tempt me with a cheesy steak sandwidge, and then stick a sharp metal hook through my cheek, I would be annoyed, but less annoyed if they were planning to eat me than just chuck me back. I know that does not make sense. It just seems like if it is for food, that is slightly more acceptable than saying that you just enjoy pissing fish off.

I do not really understand the sport factor either. In what kind of arena would it be a fair fight between a man and a mackerel? Surely only if the mackerel was allowed a six-foot powered exoskeleton, with massive claws.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Well it was a grand day all around, some people sang a song for me at work, and a lot of friends came to celebrate my inexplicably prolonged life by eating curry. There was 12 of us which necessitated a whole wing of the restaurant to ourselves and at one stage there was a rumour that we might have drunk all the Cobra beer! Luckily another crate was brought by teams of sweating waiters, along with enough curry to feed an army, if it was an army that did not mind having a bit of a sit down to digest things before any major combat operations.

As I have been trying to lose a bit of weight (by taking only tiny nibbles) it is a while since I actually felt full after a meal, but last night I turned into an absolute space hopper! It is OK as like I say, calories do not count if you are drunk, probably.

And many thanks to everyone for all the comments and good wishes, and Matt for my super present (Stewart Lee Stand Up Comedian). Now it is Friday so I am filled with a sense of lingering benevolence, and lamb.


It is my birthday today so I am having a special execkutive breakfast eg bacon, scrambled eggs and salsiccia piccante from the Italian shop and washing it all down with delicious espresso coffee, also from the Italian shop!

For my birthday I would like to go to Spacefest which looks wizzo as it has astronauts, writers, and astronomers especially Carolyn Porco who I think is hott, except it is in America so I cannot go :(

Never mind as I am going out for a big curry tonight to celebrate being officially half dead, if you believe the Bible, which I do not, and you can all come! It is in Kentish Town, or if you type it on my phone, it says ‘Lentish Town’, which is better.