Inside keithlard

As a famous international person now obviously I get a lot of requests for interviews. I have granted one to Whalefish as I respect his serious journalism and he is unlikely to badger me with the usual questions about my imaginary relationship with actress Amita Dhiri, my drugs hell ekcetera.

If you like it you can comment and ask me to interview you, whereon I will send you a series of explicit demands for information which you should publish the answers to. If you do not YOU WILL GO TO PRISON FOR FIVE YEARS.

  1. George or Mildred?

    I have no idea what this means really as I am totally divorced from popular culture, like a High Court judge, I can only conclude it is a reference to some type of visual wireless broadcast eg Celebrity Pop Brother Factor… Dancing. Also if it is asking if I am homosexual I can confidently say ‘No I am not… not that there’s anything wrong with that.’

  2. When was your lowest point in your whole life? What happened?

    That is an intresting question as my life is not over yet, so there might be bigger low points to come! However up to now, I suppose it depends whether you are asking about when I subjectively felt the most depressed, or when a dispassionate outside observer might have concluded that my life was at its most worthless and miserable. The first one I am not going to tell you about, the second one was probably around New Year 2002 (I think) when I had recently been dumped by my girlfriend of 5 years, and my employer was about to go bust and make me and all my friends redundant. I was sad about the girlfriend but sometimes when you know something awful is coming, it is actually a relief to have it happen. The same is true about the job, once we all knew that the end was definite, there was no more stress and worry. In fact the last two or three months were basically sitting around chatting and job surfing and getting paid for it!

    Also during that very dark time in my life I felt as though I was being dismantled and rebuilt; when the worst that can happen to you, happens, you discover that actually it is not that bad, and that knowledge makes you fearless. It was around then that I started having a major re-think of my aims and values, and realising that making a lot of money and having a big career were much less important than really simple things like being happy, and making other people happy. It is a bit sad that it took me 30 years to figure that out really.

    That was also the time that I discovered (or rediscovered) Yoga and Taoism and things like that which resonated so strongly with me phillersophically, that I realised this is what I had been all along only I did not know what it was called (I still am not quite sure). It sounds all scary and religious except it is not, basically just the common-sense realisation that it is up to you whether or not you are happy. Once I understood that I made the choice to be happy, and I have been ever since!

    So serve you right for asking a serious question really.

  3. I’m in charge of casting the roles in the film of your life, and John Thaw is playing you. What do you reckon?

    No. John Cusack for my teens and twenties, Daniel Craig now.

  4. Have you ever stalked anyone over the internet?

    Ooh yes, almost exclusively. It’s so much easier than stalking people in person, and involves less going out.

  5. If you had a choice of absolutely everything foodlike, what would your ultimate pizza topping be?

    Chinese chicken, tandoori chicken, spicy beef, jalapeîo chillis, pepperoni, garlic, egg, extra cheese, and curry. (I actually made this pizza once.)

So now it is up to you whether to subject yourself to my insistent probing.

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