recipes

Meat

I like keeping things simple so here is my recipe for meat. It is a nice supper to cook if all you have is some meat, or if you do not have the energy for a recipe with a lot of ingrediments.

The meat should be minced, so do not try to do this yourself - ask the butcher, or supermarket shelf, for some special pre-minced meat. That is easier.

What you will need

  • Meat

Also

  • An egg
  • A lemon
  • An onion
  • Curry powder
  • Such as cumin, rosemary ekcetera

How to make

  1. Pre-heat the grill or barbecue. If it is a barbecue then sit next to it drinking beer for about half an hour while smiling at the neighbours frantically gathering their clean washing in.
  2. Mix up the meat with the egg, lemon juice, chopped onion, and whatever herbs and spices you like, or are in the cupboard.
  3. Make it into little patties or kebabs with your hands and put on the grill.
  4. Basically cook it

How to eat

You could stuff these mini kebabs into a pitta with some salad and creamy yoghurt with a sprig of mint. Or just stuff them straight into your hungry face.

keithlard, inventing the future

I have invented a special type of crisps! It is quite good as it is slightly low calorie, and it is a tasty spicy Indian style snack which is authentick in the sense that although I am not Indian, I know an Indian man, and he would probably like it.

Now you too can make exclusive keithlard style snacks, and copy me, and imagine that you are living my celebrity lifestyle eg sitting in my flat, chomping on snacks and watching an exciting episode of Prison Break.

keithlard’s Magickal Snacks

What you will need:

  • Some poppadoms, either the pre-made ones or ones that come in a packet and you fry them.
  • Seasonings eg salt, pepper and chilli powder.

How to make:

  1. Make the poppadoms, or if they are made already, get them out of the packet. If they are not, heat up some oil in a pan and when it is smoking hot, drop each poppadom into it for a few microseconds until it is all puffed up, then shake all the oil off and put on to kitchen paper to dry.
  2. Break them up into crisp size pieces in a big bowl.
  3. Add seasoning eg such as salt, freshly beaten up pepper, crushed cumin and coriander seeds, extra hot chilli powder if you like it. Mix it all around well so that all the bits are coated with sizzling Indian style spices.
  4. Get some beer that you prepared earlier by putting it in the fridge.
  5. Watch Prison Break while drinking the beer and eating the delicious snacks.

The only problem with this recipe is it is a bit moreish, so why not invite some friends round and make a giant bowl of magickal snacks to share, about eight feet across. Then when you have eaten all the snacks you can climb into the bowl and roll around in the leftover spices, laughing.

keithlard, Pope of Barbecue Town

I had a delicious barbecue with Jane and I invented a special new spicy barbecue dish called Steaks Finchley! It is some posh steaks marinaded in my personalised masala sauce with fresh ground roasted whole spices including cardamoms, fenugreek, cumin, cloves, dried chillis, black pepper and fiery North African harissa chilli paste! It is fun to make as it involves roasting and pounding up lots of spices while listening to jazz music.

Then you grill it a bit and serve in some pitta breads lightly buttered with ghee and dribble lemon juice all over it. Yum! I am probably Britain’s second most barbecue-obsessed man so I am always really excited to have a barbecue. As usual though there was way too much food and I ended up eating a bizarre combination of breakfast foods the next day including spicy chicken wings, delicately grilled sossidges marinaded in my special personalised masala sauce of crushed black pepper and sea salt, groundnut oil and dusted with thyme and rosemary, and crocodile sandwidges. The last bit is made up obviously as it was actually bacon, but I was experiminting with pretending to eat crocodile sandwidges.

Jane and Andrew were grand company and we lazed around in the garden until X o’clock enjoying the gentle crackling of a real fire, as we gradually burned the fence.

In other news, I went out grooving on Friday with Matt and a glamorous mystery companion, to one of London’s top disco bars! I did not really do too much actual grooving, although when called upon I do, like Jeeves, swing a dashed efficient shoe. But it was a warm, balmy summer e’en, ripe with the blush of the westering Sun (good writing) so we sat outside drinking quite a few glasses of drinks. I had Cosmopolitans as I was trying to impress a lot of good looking women there with my sauve sophistercation and general flânerie, except when I accidentally quaffed some all over myself. “Ha ha,” I laughed languidly, flicking a speck of cocktail from my otherwise immaculate lace cuffs.

I think I did quite well impressing London’s trendy youngsters with my street cred and hip-hop sensibilities, except when I slightly ruined it by reading Anne Brontë’s The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. In my defence it was quite an exciting bit. On the night bus home there was an American woman abusing her boyfriend. “You’re a f****** c*** Ben, and your friends are all f****** c***s too, you c***. Why don’t you just f*** yours*** you c***-******* ***** shit*** ***-hole? Oh thank you very much,” this last to an old lady making room for her to sit down.

Crispy spicy Finchley-style pakoras

This is a delicious and tasty recipe if you do not have much stuff about. It is basically just vegertables and such like fried in a crispy batter. It makes good party snacks or something to go with a curry, or you can take it to work and gobble it up in front of your co-workers’ surprised faces!

It is refreshingly easy to make as it is just vegertables, flour and water.

Ingrediments

  1. Flour (gram flour is best but any sort will do if you have it, it is not an exam)
  2. Some intresting vegertables, you can use anything for this, I have used onions, carrots and green peppers. Also some scrumptious prawns!
  3. Water
  4. Cooking oil
  5. Some spices ekcetera
  6. That is it basically

How to make

  1. Finely chop the vegertables and gradually mix in flour into a big bowl until it starts to get sticky and gunky.

  2. Add a bit of water and mix in, adding more flour if necessary to get a nice sticky consistency but not too wet.

  3. Add spices, again you can use the power of the imagination here, I like some ground cumin, pepper, chilli powder, fenugreek and so on. Mind you I have a super well stocked Indian food cupboard, which is much better than yours. Do not attempt to imitate keithlard as he is indestructible.

  4. Into smoking hot oil drop a few small spoonfuls of the mixture. If it is too big spoonfuls, it will not cook properly, but too small and it is just like eating fried dust.

  5. The oil needs to be kept as hot as possible while cooking, ideally you will have a wok or other big pan with a lid. If not then just turn the heat up and think warm thoughts.

  6. Deep fry for a couple of minutes or until crispy and golden. The most difficult thing is thinking of things to do while you are waiting for the pakoras to cook. I like to pass the time by eating some of the ones I have already made.

  7. Drain on kitchen paper and get on with frying the next lot. It takes a while in fact as you can only do so many at a time, but the trick is not to get impatient and try to do a big batch all at once. If you do they just go all sad and soggy, like wet football fans whose team has lost.

There is nothing more to it really except a bit of practice to get them just right. Luckily that is the kind of hard work that I do not mind putting in. Most things in life are better if you do them slowly and lovingly, and this is no exception.

keithlard-style Tandoori Shrimp

This is a delicious and authentic Indian snack invented by a pasty faced unshaven white man from North London, ie viz. me although I did copy it off the back of some tandoori shrimp I found in Tescos.

What you will need to make the food

  • Shrimp (or prawns, it is all the same really, like terrorists and freedom fighters)
  • Tandoori masala powder
  • Chilli powder
  • Salt and Pepper
  • Flour to coat

The procedure to follow in preparing these ingrediments

  1. Wet the prawns with a spoon or two of water.
  2. Coat with the flour and spices and mix well.
  3. Drop spoonfuls into very hot oil and fry for 1-2 minutes.
  4. Yum yum.

You will need to drink a lot of beer with this. It does not matter if it is special Indian beer, eg Tiger, Cobra or Kingfisher, or another beer named after a dangerous predatory animal, but it is better if it is.

It's Finchley Fish! (now with intresting chips)

Stuff to buy at the shop where you buy food

  • Some fish
  • Lemons
  • Flour
  • Parsnips
  • Salt and pepper ekcetera

What to do with the stuff

  1. Preheat oven.
  2. Cut the parsnips into chips and drizzle with olive oil and salt.
  3. Bake in oven for 30m or until nearly crispy.
  4. Heat some oil in big pan.
  5. Drench fish in lemon juice, salt, pepper ekcetera.
  6. Roll around in some flour (do not laugh it is obvious what I meant).
  7. Fry.
  8. Serve with delicious vegertable chips you prepared earlier.

Sunny Sunday Onion Bread

This is a delicious recipe which is invented by me, keithlard, and not copied off some flour.

You will need

  • Granary flour
  • Onions
  • Brown sugar
  • Garlic
  • Rosemary
  • Olive oil
  • Butter
  • Yeast
  • Salt ekcetera

How to make

  1. Chop up the onions and garlic and fry for a while until the onions have gone all nice and caramelised. Stir in the brown sugar.
  2. While the onions are cooking, mix up the flour, butter, yeast and salt with a spoonful of olive oil. Mix in warm water until you have a pliable dough that leaves the bowl clean.
  3. Stir in the caramelised onions.
  4. Knead while listening to cheerful polka music, like Kramer and Newman making sausages.
  5. Leave in a warm place until doubled in size. That is the dough not you, it would be a bit worrying if you doubled in size although you might after eating lots of this tasty bread.
  6. Put into loaf tins or a big dish and brush with olive oil and the chopped rosemary.
  7. Put into preheated oven at 230 degrees C or basically as hot as it goes.
  8. Bake for about half an hour or until delicious.

Keithlard's Juicy Thighs

This is a nice thing to do with chicken thighs. Breast of chicken can be a little bland and dry so I really like the luscious tender dark meat of the thighs, full of sinful fat and flavour. Do not laugh because it is obvious what I meant. It is not a sex thing; mixing chicken and sex is almost never a good idea, unless you’re a cock.

Ingrediments:

  • Chicken thighs
  • Carrots
  • Parsnips
  • Leeks
  • Such as broccoli, ekcetera if you like it
  • Garlic
  • A lemon
  • Rosemary & thyme

It is super easy to make as well. It is impossible to get wrong.

How to make

  1. Marinade the chicken for a while in some olive oil and the juice of the lemon, with smashed up pepper and salt.
  2. Put oven on to medium.
  3. Cut up the vegertables indiscriminately and put in a baking tray.
  4. Put each chicken thigh in a bit of foil and make a little parcel of it with the lemony olive oil, rosemary and thyme.
  5. Bake for about 45 minutes until the vegertables have gone all shrunk, and the the chicken parcels are steaming merrily.
  6. That is it really.

When you serve it you can pour the delicious lemony chicken stock all over the vegertables. With luck they should have gone all caramelised, with crispy dark bits on the outside and tender juiciness inside!

You could have sex afterwards if you liked. Not right afterwards though. Government safety advice says you should not have vigorous excersise on a full stomach, whether yours or someone else’s.

Chicken Finchley

This is a delicious recipe that I invented really late last night when I was drunk.

You will need:

  • Chicken pieces (breast or thigh is good for this)
  • Vegertable soup or similar
  • Pasta
  • Garlic, pepper, salt, thyme, rosemary, olive oil

How to make

  1. Smash up the thyme, rosemary, pepper ekcetera (if you are a cookery genius like me you will have a pestle and mortar handy)
  2. Brush the chicken pieces with olive oil and roll in the smashed herbs
  3. Pop them under a hot grill and meanwhile put on the pasta to cook
  4. When the pasta is done, drain and toss with a little olive oil, and add the soup and garlic, cover and simmer on a low heat.
  5. When the chicken is done (poke a knife into it and see if the juice runs clear) shred it into lovely bite size pieces, and stir into the vegertable goo.
  6. Serve with a chilled LAGER or similar.

This is a great recipe when all you have is some sad looking chicken and some things in tins, and you are drunk.

Actual food may not match picture. Or be as nice.

Samosas

This is how I make them anyway.

You will need:

  • Samosa pastry (ask at your local wizzo Indian grocers or they might have frozen spring roll pastry at the supermarket, it is the same stuff basically. Ideally, go to ‘Goodeats’ in Long Lane, Finchley, where the man is really friendly and has loads of delicious Indian snacks and ingrediments. I am not affiliated with him though except that I like his shop, and enjoy eating its contents.)
  • Potatoes
  • Chick peas
  • Regular peas
  • Some meat if you like it
  • Optional sweetcorn
  • Green chillis
  • Seasoning: you can use whatever you have, I like to crush up some cumin and coriander seeds, and then add some fresh coriander, which I always have in massive bunches around the kitchen, because it is delicious. Lots of chilli powder if you like your samosas spicy.

How to make:

  • Boil the potatoes
  • While they are boiling, cook the vegetables and/or meat.
  • Defrost the samosa pastry but do not let it dry out too much, keep it in the wrapper or wrap it in a damp teatowel. If it dries all the sheets stick together and then it is a pain to separate them.
  • Mash the potatoes and drain the veg and bosh everything together in a big pan with the seasoning.
  • Add enough water to give it a nice mushy clumpy consistency, not too wet, not too dry.
  • In a wok or big frying pan, heat enough oil for deep-frying.
  • Take a strip of pastry and put a spoonful of goo at one end and then roll the other end around it in a roughly triangular sort of shape. Brush the loose end of the pastry with water and press to seal it.
  • When you have made enough samosas, pop them into the oil three or four at a time and fry until crispy and golden. The oil must be nice and hot as otherwise the samosas will just disintegrate into limp, sad little parcels. Let it heat up again for a few minutes in between each batch.
  • Dry on kitchen paper.
  • Using a hand or other instrument, put each samosa into the large hole in the front of your face and chomp thoroughly until eaten. Wash down with LAGER or other cold, fizzy beer.

Samosas are great because it is like a little curry pack lunch. They are also delicious cold, if not more so. The nice thing is you can make the goo and keep it in the fridge and make a fresh little batch of samosas whenever you want them, or if a tall handsome curry-loving man comes round to visit, such as me.