I like keeping things simple so here is my recipe for meat. It is a nice supper to cook if all you have is some meat, or if you do not have the energy for a recipe with a lot of ingrediments.

The meat should be minced, so do not try to do this yourself - ask the butcher, or supermarket shelf, for some special pre-minced meat. That is easier.

What you will need

  • Meat


  • An egg
  • A lemon
  • An onion
  • Curry powder
  • Such as cumin, rosemary ekcetera

How to make

  1. Pre-heat the grill or barbecue. If it is a barbecue then sit next to it drinking beer for about half an hour while smiling at the neighbours frantically gathering their clean washing in.
  2. Mix up the meat with the egg, lemon juice, chopped onion, and whatever herbs and spices you like, or are in the cupboard.
  3. Make it into little patties or kebabs with your hands and put on the grill.
  4. Basically cook it

How to eat

You could stuff these mini kebabs into a pitta with some salad and creamy yoghurt with a sprig of mint. Or just stuff them straight into your hungry face.

keithlard, inventing the future

I have invented a special type of crisps! It is quite good as it is slightly low calorie, and it is a tasty spicy Indian style snack which is authentick in the sense that although I am not Indian, I know an Indian man, and he would probably like it.

Now you too can make exclusive keithlard style snacks, and copy me, and imagine that you are living my celebrity lifestyle eg sitting in my flat, chomping on snacks and watching an exciting episode of Prison Break.

keithlard’s Magickal Snacks

What you will need:

  • Some poppadoms, either the pre-made ones or ones that come in a packet and you fry them.
  • Seasonings eg salt, pepper and chilli powder.

How to make:

  1. Make the poppadoms, or if they are made already, get them out of the packet. If they are not, heat up some oil in a pan and when it is smoking hot, drop each poppadom into it for a few microseconds until it is all puffed up, then shake all the oil off and put on to kitchen paper to dry.
  2. Break them up into crisp size pieces in a big bowl.
  3. Add seasoning eg such as salt, freshly beaten up pepper, crushed cumin and coriander seeds, extra hot chilli powder if you like it. Mix it all around well so that all the bits are coated with sizzling Indian style spices.
  4. Get some beer that you prepared earlier by putting it in the fridge.
  5. Watch Prison Break while drinking the beer and eating the delicious snacks.

The only problem with this recipe is it is a bit moreish, so why not invite some friends round and make a giant bowl of magickal snacks to share, about eight feet across. Then when you have eaten all the snacks you can climb into the bowl and roll around in the leftover spices, laughing.

keithlard, Pope of Barbecue Town

I had a delicious barbecue with Jane and I invented a special new spicy barbecue dish called Steaks Finchley! It is some posh steaks marinaded in my personalised masala sauce with fresh ground roasted whole spices including cardamoms, fenugreek, cumin, cloves, dried chillis, black pepper and fiery North African harissa chilli paste! It is fun to make as it involves roasting and pounding up lots of spices while listening to jazz music.

Then you grill it a bit and serve in some pitta breads lightly buttered with ghee and dribble lemon juice all over it. Yum! I am probably Britain’s second most barbecue-obsessed man so I am always really excited to have a barbecue. As usual though there was way too much food and I ended up eating a bizarre combination of breakfast foods the next day including spicy chicken wings, delicately grilled sossidges marinaded in my special personalised masala sauce of crushed black pepper and sea salt, groundnut oil and dusted with thyme and rosemary, and crocodile sandwidges. The last bit is made up obviously as it was actually bacon, but I was experiminting with pretending to eat crocodile sandwidges.

Jane and Andrew were grand company and we lazed around in the garden until X o’clock enjoying the gentle crackling of a real fire, as we gradually burned the fence.

In other news, I went out grooving on Friday with Matt and a glamorous mystery companion, to one of London’s top disco bars! I did not really do too much actual grooving, although when called upon I do, like Jeeves, swing a dashed efficient shoe. But it was a warm, balmy summer e’en, ripe with the blush of the westering Sun (good writing) so we sat outside drinking quite a few glasses of drinks. I had Cosmopolitans as I was trying to impress a lot of good looking women there with my sauve sophistercation and general flânerie, except when I accidentally quaffed some all over myself. “Ha ha,” I laughed languidly, flicking a speck of cocktail from my otherwise immaculate lace cuffs.

I think I did quite well impressing London’s trendy youngsters with my street cred and hip-hop sensibilities, except when I slightly ruined it by reading Anne Brontë’s The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. In my defence it was quite an exciting bit. On the night bus home there was an American woman abusing her boyfriend. “You’re a f****** c*** Ben, and your friends are all f****** c***s too, you c***. Why don’t you just f*** yours*** you c***-******* ***** shit*** ***-hole? Oh thank you very much,” this last to an old lady making room for her to sit down.