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keithlard's wizzo night out

It was Pub Standards so I went along with a bunch of people and had a very enjoyable evening standing outside a pub (as so many people seem to do lately) chatting drunkenly with everyone, meeting a few new people, and generally chilling out. I think that is allowable. Goodness knows I have had the crappest time ever lately due to some things that I have not gone on about, due to not wanting to go on about things. I see this journal as a ray of hope for those in sadness and gloom, and an unfailingly cheery friend is just what you want sometimes. So I try to be that.

Anyway, that is by the by, as I had a wizzo time, then some of us went for curry, which was delicious, and then I successfully negotiated my way out of going clubbing, which I hate, and headed for the last tube.

I did not make it though which is annoying, as then you have to get a Knight Bus, due to the lazy and shiftless staff at Tottenham Court Road station closing early even though trains are still running. It was OK though as a special magic coincidence happened.

A few weeks ago I was on the now-legendary N20 to Finchley where there was a girl chatting on her mobile, she was obviously very cross at the person who was presumably her boyfriend, and calling him all types of names which frankly I would be ashamed to say in front of people. I think everyone on the bus was probably earwigging this conversation pretty good. I do not say that she did not provide a deal of entertainmint for us all the way from Highgate to Finchley. I almost wrote about it at the time except it seemed a bit mean making fun of someone obviously having a really shitty evening and being really upset.

I was waiting at the bus stop in Tottenham Court Road when I heard a familiar voice and yes, it was the same girl, chatting on her phone again, this time she did not seem to be cross. Normally I do not accost strangers as I would not like it if it was me, and I am British and also shy, but I went to say hello and told her that I remembered her from last time I was on a Knight Bus. We got to chatting and it turned out she is actually really nice, perhaps I just caught her at a bad time last time.

As it was we kept each other company throughout the interminable hours which it seems to be obligatory to have to wait for the N20, at last it turned up and… drove straight past. Well this was pretty annoying obviously, still perhaps he was full up, or just enjoyed tormenting tired and fed-up people who have waited an awful time at the bus stop. Jenna and I decided to cut our losses and share a taxi, I know it is a bit flash but sometimes you would pay a powerful sum of money just to be home, you know?

So that was grand and it turns out we live quite near one another in London’s exclusive Finchley! So it is nice to have made a new local friend, and to solve the mystery of the legendary Angry N20 Girl, and to hopefully have cheered up someone having a fairly rubbish evening.

In a way I am like a kind of modern saint, except I always imagined that saints would have less curry stains down their Google T-shirt.

keithlard's one-step weight loss programme

Here is my famous one-step weight loss programme that I have invented. It is this:

  1. Do a lot of bikling.

It is not working at the moment as unfortunately I am addicted to BEER. It would be all right if the only beer you could get is fizzy dishwater like Carlsberg or Fosters, but now that I know delicious posh beer such as Leffe, Duvel, Erdinger, Bitburger, Etalon and Orval exists, I cannot stop drinking it.

And as you know BEER is a gateway drug to such as CURRY, which is fattening and bad for you (at least the nice ones are). Also SNACKS eg popcorn, pistachio nuts ekcetera. So basically I am not losing any weight at all even though I am cycling over 100,000 miles a day.

It does not matter though if you are having fun. I chatted to the sweet girl that works on the checkout in Tescos, she seems really intellergent and nice eg the type of person that you could talk to about stars and birds and PHYSICKS, I never know about that type of thing though in case people are not intrested. Most people are not.

I think if you do not read any papers or know about any pop groups, like me, there is a lot of left over space in your head for thinking about Go and LISP and phillersophy and genes and the Moon and children’s sweets from the 1970s and such. Unfortunately it has also used up the space reserved for making small talk with pretty girls which is why I usually find myself either uncharacteristically silent or suddenly blurting out something like ‘Imagine if we were like snakes and you could dislocate your jaw and swallow a whole chicken at once! That would be mental!’

It is usually at this point that I’m asked to leave the store by security.