books

keithlard's bath news

Well I did not have it the other night in fact, as I got distrackted by watching a programme about a top secret Russian aeroplane which was 150 times the size of a Jumbo jet. They had to have special giant stewardesses to push the huge supper trolley (I made that last bit up actually. But the rest is terrifyingly real.)

It was quite exciting yesterday as I was working at an advertising trade show in Olympia, full of smartly dressed shiny faced people with practised fake smiles and industrial strength make-up. There were also a lot of evidently hired dolly birds, in skimpy outfits or skin-tight PVC (eurgh! clammy!). I would love to be a fly on the wall at the meeting where their manager says ‘So that concludes the briefing on our new corporate sales strategy… oh, and it would really help us out if you could wear a silly plastic nurse’s outfit tomorrow.’

The funny thing is if they were allowed to just wear normal clothes and talk to people normally, they would probably have more effeckt as no one is going to buy a £1 million PPC bid management platform from someone dressed as a lunchtime stripper. Also, I bet they do not say to the male sales people, ‘Oh, and would you mind wearing tight rugby shorts and a sleeveless T-shirt? And being attractive?”

Anyway, when I got home I thought I’d have that relaxing bath as I have been feeling a bit stressed out lately due to doing about 4 people’s jobs. I am one of Nature’s techies and it is nice being indispensible, but even I get a bit worn out when I am fixing laptops with one hand, typing code with the other, and reconfiguring a server with my feet. So I had a tasty creamy chicken soup and crusty bread for dinner and got into the bath.

It is great actually having baths as it is like a hot, wet bed. Actually that simile does not sound awfully attractive but you know what I mean. I had a glass of posh wine and listened to Beethoven’s piano sonatas, and read Christopher Priest’s The Prestige and Patrick O’Brian’s Post Captain. It was quite a long bath!

And now the weather

It has turned all cold and horrid today and so I have hurried home to close all the windows, put on the central heating and some cosy warm jumpers, and get out the extra duvet. I quite like it when it is cold, especially at autumn time when everything smells different and it seems like people ought to be having fireworks and getting ready for Xmas.

I would just like some warning that is all, so I do not spend the day at work shivering in a flimsy T-shirt. Well I am warming up a bit now, looking forward to a nice hot dinner and a glass of posh wine, then maybe a relaxing bath! I hardly ever have baths so it is a special treat, do not laugh it is obvious what I meant. I am surprisingly clean when you look at my messy flat. Perhaps people with super tidy houses are secretly crawling with lice themselves!

In book news, it was such a long ride out to Heathrow and back on the tube that I read the whole of Out of Africa which is brilliant, I practically cried at the end when she had to leave the farm, except I turned it into a pretend cough halfway through. I do not think anyone suspeckted.

Then yesterday I read a book all about the history of the Royal Marine Commandos (Robin Neillands’ By Sea And Land) which was moderately intresting, except it just made me sad reading about all the people whose lives were stupidly thrown away for nothing much at places like Dieppe and Anzio and the Falklands.

Anyway that is my phillersophical observation for the day, war is rubbish. Then today I have been mostly reading Joanne Harris’ Five Quarters of the Orange which is fantastic. The reviews of her books always go on as if they are all about food, which is silly really, like saying The Lord of the Rings is about jewellery. Yes, it is central to the stories, but Harris’ books are always full of dark secrets, suspicion, lust, alienation, mystery, otherness ekcetera which makes me think that she might be a jolly good cook but I would not want to be round at her house after dark. In case she did something horrid to me after dessert.

Blog man in 'no pics' shock

Yes it is a non-picture post, I know it has been a lot lately but then I tend to not do any photergraphy for a while and then do loads all in one day. It was a very inspiring day out with lots of great things to take pictures of, and especially shooting in black and white which is brilliant. It is funny how less is more sometimes, perhaps if I left the lens cap on and took the battery out I could do even better!

Well I have been having a lot of intresting adventures, such as visiting England’s exclusive Hampshire, and seeing tigers which was fantastic. It was in a wildlife park of course not just roaming the streets of Wickham, yawning and snarling. Although that would be great. There are lots of pictures from that weekend though I have not got round to uploading them yet.

I did not do much this weekend except sprawling in ghastly sloth, and eat sossidges & mash (now with onion gravy!) Last night I passed a pleasant evening at the pub eating my own weight in nuts, chattering of inconsequentialia, and plotting which intresting films to see at the London Film Festival (all of them). Unfortunately I left my copy of Northanger Abbey there which is typical of me, I am a one-man BookCrossing. I will get it back later, by means of a clever subterfuge involving buying some beer. In the meantime I am reading Master and Commander which is quite exciting.

I had a horrid worry this morning due to the air crash in Phuket (aviation insiders never speak of a ‘crash’, by the way, rather a ‘hard landing’ - there are progressively harder degrees of landing, up to and including total destruction of the aircraft). I am probably one of the world’s biggest experts on air disasters, which makes me a bad person to talk to just before you go on holiday. Normally I enjoy recounting gloomy statistics and catastrophic failure modes, but it is a bit different when someone you care about might be on the plane, and you get a nasty cold feeling right around your breakfast.

I do not like being flown, any more than I like being driven in a car - it’s a control thing. I have said before I would not mind flying if it was me in charge, then I know at least if it all goes tits up it is my own fault. Ideally next time I fly I will be able to go up to the cockpit and inspeckt everything so as to make sure it is working, and ask questions like ‘Should that klaxon be going off’, or ‘Can anyone smell smoke?’. I will always be a bit concerned though, the worst possible girlfriend for me to have would be an air hostess, which is ironically what my last girlfriend was.

So that is the exciting news really, look out for some pictures of animals coming soon though.