The adventures of Baron Keithlard

Well it has been a grand few days, I went bikling with Jane yesterday and we saw a grey heron at Hendon Weir. I thought it was the same one I normally see at Brent Park, except we went to Brent Park and saw another one! So that is two herons.

Jane was great as she came all the way to Brent Cross with me, via the sinister witch’s cottage, and we had delicious toasted paninis and coffee. I bought an unnecessarily massive Leatherman knife in Blacks and Jane got a hat!

On the way home we saw a wagtail and a meadow pipit. I was out bikling today and I saw a kingfisher by Henrietta’s Pond! So in bird terms it was a wizzo weekend. In other news, we saw the Simpsons movie. I laughed immoderately throughout, it was jolly lucky that some popcorn did not become lodged in my trachea due to laughing while eating popcorn at the same time.

It is a shame people do not like birds

There was a programme on the other day which was Bill Oddie’s Top Ten Birds, it is basically people’s favourite British birds. I think this is a super idea for a programme as most people have seen and like birds, even if they do not exactly know anything about them. So it would not kill you to watch a few minutes of explaining about robins, or looking at a bluetit nesting. But I bet I am the only person in the universe that would watch that show.

It is a shame as I can think of nothing better than to nestle down watching a programme like that with someone else that would like it, perhaps with a few snacks and a posh beer. But so far from finding a person like that, if I ever tell a girl that I like finding out about birds and going to the pond to see the coots, or watching a pair of magnificent swans on the wing, or shrieking out ‘Ooh! A kingfisher!’ like an over excited child, they always lose intrest and remove me from their buddy list.

There is only one person that liked to go places with me where they have birds, or look at programmes on the telly eg The Life of Birds which is amazing, but she did not want to go out with me after a while, but mirabile dictu it was not due to the bird intrest.

Even my friends advise me not to mention that type of thing as it is a dating no-no, but that seems stupid. Surely I ought to be honest about what I am like and the things I like, in the hope of finding someone else that likes the same things! Especially as the more rare and precious those things are, the harder to find someone that likes them too. If there is someone that would look down on you because you like wandering by a placid lake at evenfall listening to the mournful croak of the moorhen, instead of being a top investmint banker or making lots of money, they are not the person for me anyway.

It makes no difference anyway as people soon find out what you are like. I think it is OK to carry on being intrested in the many unfashionable things I am intrested in, and just wait for fashions to come round to me instead.

Nature's bounty

This is when I was wandering around Hampstead Heath with Matt and Laia, and we saw a cormorant. It is a little known fact that cormorants sunbathe, they also smoke Silk Cut, drink sangria and have ill-advised holiday romances with a bloke named Gino.

Everybody thinks robins are really cute, in fact they are vicious, aggressive and fiercely territorial killers. So are crocodiles, but it is funny that you do not see any Christmas cards with crocodiles on, yawning widely to show their huge wicked carious fangs. Or if you did it would not be the type of thing you would hang over the mantelpiece.

It would be good if horses were exempt from the Congestion Charge, which they probably are, as everyone would ride horses in Central London which would be excellent. Except for the streets being waist deep in manure of course. These so-called ‘ecologists’ never think things through properly.

A cheerful crow yesterday. I guess people are not too excited about crows, but I like them. It is not their fault they do not get their clothes at trendy shops like magpies do. Crows are very intellergent and social birds, so it is a bit unfair that the collective noun for them is ‘a murder’. In fact speaking as a lawyer that is tecknically libellous, as very few crows have ever been successfully prosecuted for murder. Mind you they are a close-knit bunch and always give each other alibis.

It is fun to wonder what horses think about all day. “Hmm I’m bored with standing over here all the time… I think I’ll go and stand over here for a bit and chomp reflectively on this grass.” On the other hand they could be inventing wonderful horse poetry that they then recite to each other in horse language, and we do not know about it. So next time you see a horse, just remember: where would we be, without horses.