bikling

keithlard's one-step weight loss programme

Here is my famous one-step weight loss programme that I have invented. It is this:

  1. Do a lot of bikling.

It is not working at the moment as unfortunately I am addicted to BEER. It would be all right if the only beer you could get is fizzy dishwater like Carlsberg or Fosters, but now that I know delicious posh beer such as Leffe, Duvel, Erdinger, Bitburger, Etalon and Orval exists, I cannot stop drinking it.

And as you know BEER is a gateway drug to such as CURRY, which is fattening and bad for you (at least the nice ones are). Also SNACKS eg popcorn, pistachio nuts ekcetera. So basically I am not losing any weight at all even though I am cycling over 100,000 miles a day.

It does not matter though if you are having fun. I chatted to the sweet girl that works on the checkout in Tescos, she seems really intellergent and nice eg the type of person that you could talk to about stars and birds and PHYSICKS, I never know about that type of thing though in case people are not intrested. Most people are not.

I think if you do not read any papers or know about any pop groups, like me, there is a lot of left over space in your head for thinking about Go and LISP and phillersophy and genes and the Moon and children’s sweets from the 1970s and such. Unfortunately it has also used up the space reserved for making small talk with pretty girls which is why I usually find myself either uncharacteristically silent or suddenly blurting out something like ‘Imagine if we were like snakes and you could dislocate your jaw and swallow a whole chicken at once! That would be mental!’

It is usually at this point that I’m asked to leave the store by security.

Quite a few glasses of quite a few drinks

I went round to see my old friend Donald in Barnet, and he cooked a traditional Scotto-Chinese dinner of haggis, neeps, and stir-fried vegertables, which was delicious! Then we had a game of Go (I lost), and I played his 11-year-old son at Chess (I won - though I did feel a bit like the Competitive Dad from the Fast Show, punching the air and shouting ‘Yes!!’) We had some tasty Belgian beers and talked about Lisp and psychedelic music ekcetera.

So it was a great evening, the only weird thing was I cycled up there against a fierce headwind, by the time I came back the wind had backed 180 degrees (or pi radians if you are a computer) and was blowing the other way! All of which had the disconcerting and topographically unlikely effect of being uphill all the way there, and all the way back.

I am starting to develop some legs though, all cyclists know this feeling that you start to actually enjoy taking on a hill, and instead of going all hot and wobbly and having a little rest halfway up, you power all the way up and then instead of freewheeling down the other side, you just change up a couple of gears!

I pedalled home on Friday night after quite a few glasses of quite a few drinks at the Pineapple, with the cheerful invincibility that only comes from advanced intoxication. It is a long pull up Archway Road to Highgate station, but I do not think I paused for breath and it was only when I got off at Tescos in Finchley that I realised my lungs were burning and little lights were flashing in front of my eyes.

So my secret strategy if I ever go in for the Tour de France or something like that is to just get enormously drunk beforehand. King of the Mountains! I do not know why no one else has thought of that.

Things that happened

Well I decided I have been spending too much time in front of the computer doing electronick things, so I went out today in the sunshine and had a very cheerful day. I bikled down to the reservoir again (where I got the super pictures of swans ekcetera before) and did lots more photergraphy. So there will be pictures later. I saw our friend the pochard again, and even got some long-lens surveillance shots of the shy and retiring great crested grebe.

I took the opportunity to try out the super camera backpack I bought from my friend Mike. It has a regular backpack area, but also a separate watertight compartmint with foam padding and dividers for your camera and lenses and all the little rings, filters, batteries, flashcards, wotsits, doodads, and gewgaws that photographers seem to insist on carrying around. It is specially meant for people who like cycling and also like photography, and like cycling on their cycle to places where they can take photographs. And have a back. It is almost like they know me (or my friend Mike).

Anyway it is a magic backpack as although it looks a regular size on the outside, it is massive inside and has got room for a DSLR, 18-55mm lens, 30mm lens, 70-200mm lens, monopod, macro set, 2 litre bottles of finest wheat beer, a baking potato, a bag of ready-made salad, 2 packets of mini poppadoms, a cheesy roll, warm gloves, emergency Google “I’m feeling lucky” T-shirt, a packet of Penn State pretzels, and David Guterson’s Snow Falling On Cedars. So that is jolly good as by chance that is exactly the things that I needed to carry in it today.

It was a lovely evening down by the water and I spent hours admiring the birds dipping and cavorting, incarnadined by the dying rays of vermilion sun (good writing). There was swans and coots and mallards and the aforementioned pochard and grebe and tufted ducks and moorhens and herring gulls and Canada geese and crows and blackbirds. So it does not get any better than that really.