Monthly archive

Haven’t you got better things to do?

Kettles are saaaaad

Primitivepeople unfortunately hurt his foot, for which much sympathy, but he did manage to bring happiness to others by posting hilarious Alan Partridge clips. So now I have been spending the day watching more such clips:

I just got through reading Sharkey Ward’s excellent book Sea Harrier over the Falklands, which is jolly intresting about naval air combat operations, but many of the anecdotes in the book seem to end, like Alan Partridge’s Bouncing Back, with the words “Needless to say, I had the last laugh.”

That went to a weird place

Gabe and Tycho’s expressions in the last panel make me laugh.

Hoot! Hoot!

The following is typed by Montmorency as is phoning in his copy via modern string telephone.

Well I got Jane an intresting present yesterday as I will reveal what it is later, but it is a special surprise. I did get a few funny looks as I was carrying it around at Cornish Market World though. If you do not know it is a special world in Cornwall where you have to pass through a dread portal, and enter a magickal fairyland of inexpensive toot!

So today I went to Trago Mills, which is also magickal, as it is massive and like Hogwarts Castle the stairs and departmints seem to keep rearranging themselves so you get lost. I bought the following, which is roughly typical of the type of things they have at Trago:

  • Paddling pool
  • Wind-up lemon

It is an oven timer really. But I have always wanted a lemon that you can twist it and it makes a buzzing noise after a pre-determined number of minutes has elapsed. I am thinking that maybe Jane will let me bring the paddling pool round to her garden when the weather is nice and we can sit in it wearing our finest beachwear and relaxing with a posh cocktail! And playing with a wind-up lemon.”

Montmorency the Clockwork Owl here

Hello I am standing in for keithlard today who is on holiday in historick Cornwall. I know there is a lot of you that likes to follow his adventures so here is an importint news update. It is very rainy in historick Cornwall today!

Keithlard went wandering around St Austell, Mevagissey, Fowey and Cornish Market World, getting wet and trying on clothes that did not fit because he is overweight. He says he does not mind though as he is getting a little bit thinner all the time due to some bikling, and taking only tiny, tiny bites of food at a time.

Also, Keithlard’s Theory of Slimming which says that food does not count if you eat it late at night. Or if you are drunk.

It's Friday!

Hello it is keithlard here with five exciting suggestions for celebrating Friday!

  1. Wear a ludicrous promotional chicken costume to work. Refuse to communicate other than by shrieking ‘Cluck, cluck!’ and pecking people with your enormous rubber beak. Occasionally produce eggs from a concealed pocket in your costume and deposit them in unlikely places.
  2. Change into a freakish mutant with super powers eg the man that catches fire from the Fantastic Four. Amaze your friends and colleagues by suddenly catching on fire during important meetings. This will also be convenient for delightful summer barbecues.
  3. Purloin office supplies and, working unobserved by night, use them to construct a giant clockwork owl with your own face, that can sit at your desk and cover for you during busy lunch hours. The owl could be named Montmorency.
  4. Develop the eldritch ability to control weather, and annoy your co-workers by creating small localised thunderstorms and showers near their desks. Escape the tedium of pointless conference calls by damaging the phone system with lightning.
  5. Using an ordinary high-energy particle supercollider, create a mini black hole and bring it to work with you in a Tupperware box. Pretend it is your lunch. A black hole makes an excellent place to keep your keys, wallet and mobile phone, as they cannot get lost due to the enormous gravitational field.

Hem hem

Well it was good yesterday as we had a producktive day at work, played some games and then went to the pub. Also, I thought I would have to bikle home in the rain, but luckily it stopped while I was in the pub. Alternatively I drank so many drinks that I lost the ability to perceive rain!

That’s happened before.

It is a shame people do not like birds

There was a programme on the other day which was Bill Oddie’s Top Ten Birds, it is basically people’s favourite British birds. I think this is a super idea for a programme as most people have seen and like birds, even if they do not exactly know anything about them. So it would not kill you to watch a few minutes of explaining about robins, or looking at a bluetit nesting. But I bet I am the only person in the universe that would watch that show.

It is a shame as I can think of nothing better than to nestle down watching a programme like that with someone else that would like it, perhaps with a few snacks and a posh beer. But so far from finding a person like that, if I ever tell a girl that I like finding out about birds and going to the pond to see the coots, or watching a pair of magnificent swans on the wing, or shrieking out ‘Ooh! A kingfisher!’ like an over excited child, they always lose intrest and remove me from their buddy list.

There is only one person that liked to go places with me where they have birds, or look at programmes on the telly eg The Life of Birds which is amazing, but she did not want to go out with me after a while, but mirabile dictu it was not due to the bird intrest.

Even my friends advise me not to mention that type of thing as it is a dating no-no, but that seems stupid. Surely I ought to be honest about what I am like and the things I like, in the hope of finding someone else that likes the same things! Especially as the more rare and precious those things are, the harder to find someone that likes them too. If there is someone that would look down on you because you like wandering by a placid lake at evenfall listening to the mournful croak of the moorhen, instead of being a top investmint banker or making lots of money, they are not the person for me anyway.

It makes no difference anyway as people soon find out what you are like. I think it is OK to carry on being intrested in the many unfashionable things I am intrested in, and just wait for fashions to come round to me instead.

We Investergate Anything

Community pimping time as I have invented 3investigators which is all about the Three Investigators detecktive stories which if you do not know about them, you should do. Radio mystery writer Robert Arthur created his immortal junior investigative trio in the 1960s to solve a range of baffling mysteries including a stuttering parrot, a screaming clock, a coughing dragon, a whispering mummy, and so forth. Unlike those odious jocks the Hardy Boys, the Three Investigators used their brains to solve problems, which almost always included cryptic messages, literary references, and some pesky kids meddling where they didn’t belong.

The Three Investigators books were set in California, which made it pretty exotic for me as a book-obsessed child growing up in Cornwall, and for the first time I had characters I could identify with, who were only at school yet were well-read, intelligent and articulate (well, some of them) and did intresting things. Jupiter Jones, their leader, was not exactly the athletic type, yet he was a voracious reader and a devotee of Sherlock Holmes, all true of myself, and he lived with his Aunt Mathilda and Uncle Titus in the Jones Salvage Yard, Rocky Beach, which always seemed to me the most exciting place in the world to live. Inside the junkyard the Investigators had built themselves a secret headquarters, complete with crime lab, office, files, and telephone. What kid would not kill to belong to a club like that.

So anyway everyone should go and join my 3investigators community because it is the best. You had better do it or fear my wrath.

War on Terror, the board game

Julie sent me this link which is fantastic:

percyprune, is this one of yours? Also, won’t somebody think of the children?

Going to the Pembury this Sunday

Would anyone like to come with me to a special magic pub in the land of the Faraway Tree (it is Hackney in fact) on Sunday. It is the Pembury Tavern which everyone except me seems to know about, because I am deliberately kept in the dark about fun things and everyone meets there to talk about me and guffaw at my foolishness!

I have decided this should end and all Pemburians will face my wrath, as I am going on Sunday to evaluate matters for myself and possibly play the War on Terror game (idem). I hope a lot of people will come as well as otherwise I will look like a bit of a wazzock on my own.

Please click on the link on your screens now (look away if you do not want to know the result) to inform me of your magic pub going status. Mark your entries ‘I want to meet keithlard at the Pembury Tavern’, even if you do not.